Bye bye, 2017

It is time to finish this year. 2017 has been a very different year if I compared it with 2016. It is clear that the comparison is not fair at all, but I would say that 2017 has been a year to continue dreaming. I love my job and my life in Toronto and 2017 has been about continuing doing that and fighting to get farther.  I have new dreams and new hopes and I like that.

Talking about work, I have grown up as a mathematician in many different ways. During half of the year, I had the incredible support of Franco, a professor who has taught me a lot about managing work and research, making beautiful notes for me, and writing better papers. Being without him this last part of the year has made my life more stressing. Mike has also taught me how beautiful is being excited about problems, even if what you try is not working. He always has a smile on his face when it comes to approaching a new problem. As a professor, I have learned to communicate what I want for my class and what kind of professor I want to be. Doing it in English is not easy either.
As part of my job, I am in the middle of the application process. For many people, these process can be strange and weird. For us, it is quite common. For me, it is the first time. It has been consuming, tired, long, intense, and I could continue with a lot of other words. But mostly, it has been personal. It has affected my life in different ways. Firstly, it has forced me to understand my research at a different level and to translate it into a research project. Secondly, it has made me be introvert and push away people that I want and I need close to me. It has taken me some time to figure it out, talk to them and explain myself. I'm working on not leaving it to affect more our relationship. Finally, all my life is on the air right now. I cannot plan anything after April since my life is linked to what would come from those applications. I have felt overwhelmed, small and anxious about that. I'm currently working on those feelings and my reaction to them. It seems that it is a bad process, but the good point of all of it is that I reaffirmed my dream. I want to be professor and researcher at the university and I have it clear again. So, I will do what I know, work hard and fight for it.

Talking about family and friends, it has been a long year. I am in Toronto this Christmas and it is the first time not being in Colmenar Viejo during this period. I feel very lucky. I have a family here that supports me, pushes me and loves me. And I also have amazing friends and family in Spain that make the same from where they are. I know that all of them are in my life and there will be here next years, although it will take work and effort. There is nothing else I could ask for in this sense. I wish the best for us in this uncertain year, whatever has to be, it will be. Being together and sharing our lives depend on us. You can count on me to try it! During the last months, I have had many moments when I have not known how to manage distance friendship and I am still catching up on that, but I think it is good to realize that you are not being a good friend and that you want to change that. So, my todo list for 2018 includes "being a better friend and work hard for that". Overall, I really hope we can share some moments together in person, and all of them wherever we are. With my family, I have had one of the best moments of the year. My parents and my sister visited me in Toronto for 15 days. It was amazing, incredible and super fun to have them here. It was a great opportunity to show them my life here, my city and the new version of me that it is coming from this adventure. I feel them very close to my heart and they help me a lot from where they are. Thank you, family!
Among my friends, V had a different year with one of those experiences that you do not with to anyone around you. But he fought hard and strong, and he won. And I feel happy and proud of him. Seeing you this summer and dancing salsa with you in a random walk is on my top 5 moments of the year. C and Y have become my family here in Toronto. I cannot imagine a better family and I am very thankful for having you in my life. 2018 is very uncertain, but you know you are part of the family I choose.

This year has been marked by the ups and downs with respect to my feelings. Going back from Christmas and from my summer trip to Europe were not easy. The Europe trip itself was not easy. Living far away from part of my friends and family makes me live in a mix of feelings. I miss them a lot and I put a lot of effort into trying not to be very affected in my daily life by that. But at the same time, going there and visit them makes me feel out of place, which is a very contradictory feeling. This year I have felt this way and I have learned to manage it somehow.

During this year I had not been able to recover a friendship that I lost during 2016, although he was very important during that year. After being angry and going through different stages, contact him again before summer was nice but it also made me realize that we are not friends anymore. It feels strange more than sad, but Canada is not attached to his name anymore and that is good. Also related to this kind of events, this summer I learned that it was time to move on from a part of my life that was stuck in the past. It was nice to see few people and talk about what we were and how fun was to spend time together. It was healthy to close that part of my past.

This year has also come with new people in my life. S has taught me that I am strong enough to walk away from what makes me feel sad and reminds me of old times. A appeared almost at the end and The office is my new TV-show for meals thanks to him. M could have a whole text by herself. She has been the greatest surprise of this year. She has become one of my essential people and one of those friends that you know they will be around forever no matter what. G has surprised me when I was in my own world and now he and all our conversations about life and the universe are part of it.

As I am writing this, I am not at my best moment of the year and it is not a good way to start 2018. But you know what, it will be okay. I know it and I will work for it. I do not have many things on my list for 2018. It is a very uncertain year for me right now and I do not want to expect much of it. I do expect many things from me and that is more than enough (or even too much at this moment). If you are reading this, you know me. I will fight and get what I dream this year. I will make it possible, and you will be there supporting me, helping me and sharing it with me.

2017, thanks for being such a year. This is only a small part of it, and I have forgotten many of the important moments and probably someone. But 2018 is here and it's time to say it. Happy New Year!

¿Cómo no iba Romeo a enamorarse de la bella Julieta?
Tan sofisticada, tan delicada, tan prohibida.
¿Cómo no iba Julieta a enamorarse del apuesto Romeo?
Tan caballero, tan valiente, tan imposible.

Se encontraron sin buscarlo,
se miraron sin poder evitarlo.
¿Cómo iba a Romeo a ignorar a Julieta?

La buscó, sabiendo quien era,
y la atrapó, sabiendo lo que hacía.
¿Cómo iba Julieta a no desear a Romeo?

La tentación,
el juego,
lo prohibido.

¿Quién puede
resistirse,
evitarlo?

El amor,
la lujuría,
la pasión.

No hay estado más puro,
que aquel en el que dejamos de ser
para fusionarnos y ser uno.

Resuenan tus latidos en mi pecho,
mis manos te rozan sin tocarte,
nos sentimos sin tenernos cerca.

Respiro el aire que respiras,
camino siguiendo tus pasos
y sin embargo, muero.

Muero porque tus labios rocen los míos,
siendo ese beso delicado y eterno,
tan eterno que dejemos de existir.

¿Cómo puede Romeo no enamorarse de Julieta?
¿Cómo puede Julieta no entregarse a Romeo?
Enamorados y entregados,
en un amor eterno y prohibido.

¿Para qué vivir si no te puedo tener a mi lado?
¿Para qué respirar si tus besos no me dan aliento?
¿Para qué latir si no es siguiendo tu ritmo?

¿Vivir y ser dos miserables, o
morir y ser eternamente uno?
Romeo y Julieta murieron para ser eternos,
¿por qué seguimos siendo miserables?

Empezando 2017 / Beginning 2017

[English below]

Sabía que esto pasaría. Después de estar en Colmenar Viejo por las Navidades, estoy de vuelta en Toronto. Vuelta en casa, en el trabajo, en el gimnasio. Bueno, vuelta al día a día y su rutina. Pero también significa volver a ser sin ellos. Eso significa que no puedo ir a desayunar son Sara y sus peques, o a tomar un café con Carlos el domingo y ver la NFL con Héctor también después. Tampoco cocinaré la comida para mi familia y no tuve tiempo de mostrarles mis nuevas recetas. No sé, es complicado. Después de mucho tiempo sin verles, me había acostumbrado. Pero ahora, es complicado de nuevo. Os echo de menos, chicos. Y tengo que volver al estado en el que os echo de menos pero no me afecta en el día a día demasiado. Porque sino, me resta y me deprimo fácilmente.

Las Navidades han sido increíbles, y estoy muy agradecida por ellas. Ha sido el mejor regalo que me pude haber hecho nunca. Estoy tan feliz de haber estado con vosotros y de haber compartido nuestro tiempo. Pero esta vez, no había aventuras a la vuelta ni una nueva ciudad. Volví a casa, donde todo estaba más o menos establecido ya. No sé, se siente distinto y yo solo quería y necesitaba escribirlo. Será mejor ahora, estoy segura.

Sorprendentemente, ha sido más fácil escribirlo en inglés. Me gusta eso. Mi proyecto de lectura me está dando resultados. Daré lo mejor de mí este año, como siempre. Estoy agradecida de teneros en mi vida y eso me ayuda a continuar cada día, incluso si estamos lejos. Gracias por estar en mi vida, aunque sea una estúpida demasiadas veces y esté casi siempre lejos. Y para aquellos que están en Sevilla, os visitaré. No sé cuando, pero lo haré. Os he echado de menos estos días en Madrid, pero necesitaba estar relajada y descansar un poco. Mi vida aquí es intensa, jeje.

¡Os quiero a todos!

Lau

I knew this would happen. After being in Colmenar Viejo for Christmas holidays, I am back in Toronto. Back to home, to work, to the gym. Well, back to the daily life and its routine. But it also means back to be without them. This means that I cannot go for a breakfast with Sara and her kids or for a coffee with Carlos on Sunday and NFL after with Héctor also. I will not cook lunch for my family and I had no time to show them my new recipes. I do not know, it is complicated. After a long time not seeing them, I was used to it. But now, it is complicated again. I miss you, guys. And I have to go back to that state in which I miss you but it does not affect to my daily life too much. Because otherwise, it rests and I get depressed easily.

Christmas was amazing, and I am so grateful for them. It was the best present I could ever give me. I am so happy to have been with you and have shared time with you. But this time, there was no excitement about a new city or new adventures at all. I went back home, and everything was more or less established. I do not know, it feels different and I just wanted and needed to write it. It will be better now, I am sure, :)

Surprisingly, it has been easier to write it in English. I like that. My reading project is giving results. I will do my best this year, as always. I am grateful for having you in my life and that helps me every single day, even if we are far from each other. Thank you for being in my life, although I am an asshole so many times and I am almost always away. And for those that are in Sevilla, I will visit you. I do not know when, but I will. I have missed you these days in Madrid, but I needed to be relaxed and rest for a bit. My life here is quite intense, hehe.

I love you all!

Lau